Who Moved My Cheese?

I've said before in my posts that I struggle with Anxiety disorder. Well, let me tell you what happens when someone like me becomes stressed or over anxious. Many people have heard of panic attacks and many probably have seen a movie (or cartoon) where someone is panicking and someone else shoves a paper bag over their mouth for them to breathe into. They make it almost comical, but to those of us who actually suffer from these attacks it's no joke. It's humiliating and makes us feel weak and out of control. You are in your body, but you can't control what it's doing and a person telling you to "calm down" doesn't do a darn thing. I don't blame them though, they just don't understand what you're experiencing and they want to help.

 A week or two ago (I'm not sure, time is a blur when you're stressed) I was coming down with the flu and I had a fever and some unexplainable back pain. That's how it started. I didn't CHOOSE to have a panic attack, I just did. I ended up spending the day in the ER, trying to get control of my body. Let me give you a rundown of what it feels like. You start to feel like you can't breathe so you try to take deep breaths and you breathe faster and faster, but you quickly realize, you're having a panic attack, but by now, you're on the panic attack train and no amount of telling yourself to "calm down" helps. You have to ride that train until it stops and even though you know what's happening and you want to stop it, you can't seem to get it under control. You're not at the wheel anymore; you're just a passenger. You feel like you can't breathe, so your breaths become short and fast. Your limbs begin to go numb and tingle as if they're asleep and it's painful. Then your muscles begin to cramp, all of them, not just a few of them, all 642 of the muscles in your body go into overdrive (including your mouth, so doctors asking you questions at this point is just plain dumb). Imagine getting a Charlie horse all over your whole body…it's painful and makes you panic even more. Even with the help of drugs, it was difficult and when it was over, I was embarrassed and felt like an idiot because I felt that I should be able to control my own body. It gave me some good insight into how my kids must feel on a daily basis.

People with Autism thrive on routines, predictability and stability. Who wouldn't? We live in a world where change is inevitable though, and for people with autism (or mothers with anxiety disorder) change is the scariest thing on earth. If you're wondering about the title of this blog post, it's the title of a book about how to deal with life's inevitable changes. It's easier for some people than others. My husband for example, seems to handle it without a problem. He doesn't understand why I get so upset when one of my favorite restaurants changes their menu or the recipe of one of my "go-to" dishes. I think my own issues gives me the ability to fully understand what is going to upset my kids, even if there is nothing I can do to stop the change from happening, at least I can understand their feelings about it.

We have a lot of change happening in our life this coming year. We'll be moving a few times, we've been in the process of packing things up, selling our home and purging (this is serious stuff for my kids), and it's exhibited in misbehavior, which is no fun for us as parents. But these changes are ones that we are hoping will ultimately lead to that wonderful, bliss of routine, predictability and stability in the long run. When we finally get to that point, I have no doubt that we will enjoy life much more. It won't be challenge free, but hopefully better. But I know there is always someone (God or mankind) who's going to "move our cheese" at some point, so I just have to do my best to roll with it, like my awesome husband does. He's been an amazing example to me and I wish that I were more like him in many ways, but I also know that his life would just be WAY too BORING without my eccentricities. J And we both know that our lives wouldn't be right without our boys (just the way they are). There is a saying that is very well known in the autism community and it's even becoming known out there in the world of "normal" people. Our boys have autism, that makes them DIFFERENT, NOT LESS.