Compassion is Simple...Just do it!

I had a completely different post that I was going to do about Jackson meeting his milestones and blah, blah, blah, but somehow my heart took over and this post took on a mind of its own. My writing does that sometimes. I was writing about how much I worried about Jackson meeting his milestones, and I realized that you should understand how much I worry in general and why, to better understand me, and how I handle parenting. By the end of this post you might be thinking to yourself that I am either a very strong person or a very weak one, but the truth is...I am both.  

Now, let me admit something that is very personal to me, but it might give you a little better insight into my life and why, sometimes (ok, most times) it is pretty stressful for me, aside from the fact that I have two sons with Autism. I have what is called Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) and Major Depressive Disorder (MDD). I have struggled with both of these things since I was very young. Ask my mother how insane I went during puberty; I was a nightmare and we're both fortunate I survived at all. Anyway, I don't need to go into my life history other than to say I worry… A LOT and there are literally limits to my ability to be "happy" that have NOTHING to do with my attitude. It's an issue with my brain chemistry and I take medications daily to try to keep myself from completely losing it. How do these conditions affect my ability to care for my sweet boys whom I love more than anything in this world? Well, I'm so anxious about them and about their future and their current development and behavior issues, medication issues them getting hurt or wandering away…etc. The list of my worries goes on forever. I admit, not all of them are something I should need to worry so much about, and I know that, but try telling that to my GAD. It doesn't care; it just makes me feel a constant sense of pressure and uneasiness that makes my ability to remain calm in the many difficult situations I face severely diminished. I'm fortunate to have a husband who is the exact opposite and is able to remain calm in just about any situation. Sometimes I am amazed at my ability to handle a situation with patience and others, I'm just a hot mess and that's usually when Jeremy has to step in and literally send me to my room. (Thank heaven for him) Whenever I tell someone that I have two children with Autism, they tell me I must have a lot of patience. How would I know? I don't see how most other mom's really deal with their kids. They seem to make it look pretty easy most of the time, which makes me wonder how much patience I actually have. We all have this complex about seeming as if we have everything under control while we're out in public, but when we're at home, it's a different story. We yell, and do things we wouldn't normally do in front of another mom. So, no one gets the whole picture of what someone's parenting really looks like. It's a pity to me, because it almost feels like we're lying to our fellow mothers and just trying to make ourselves look better than we really are. Every one of us wants to be "Supermom" but we're all setting ourselves up for failure if we try to compare ourselves to other moms' "public" parenting.

My issues with MDD are different. I go through periods of severe depression where it's literally debilitating and I have zero motivation to do anything at all, functioning on a daily basis becomes a difficult task in itself (and by function, I mean just getting through the day, not accomplishing anything else). When I have these periods of MDD, they can last months, or even years depending on the stress levels in my life. After Jackson was born I spiraled into one of these episodes, and even though he is two and a half now, I'm still trying to claw my way out of the darkness. I have good days, and bad days. If you haven't figured out by now, writing is one way for me to cope with this. Writing is my outlet and my tether to sanity. On days I don't get any writing done, (whether it's a blog post, or working on my novel that I desperately want to finish and get published, but that's a whole other story.) I feel more frustrated, sad and generally like a failure. So, even if no one in the world reads this blog, it doesn't bother me. I don't want to make money from my blog, I want to share my story and my insights, as narrow as they may be. Maybe someone will read my story and realize they feel the same way or they gain a better understanding of themselves from my experiences. I heard a quote once and I don't remember who said it but it goes like this: "A smart man learns from his mistakes, a really smart man learns from the mistakes of others." I've made plenty of mistakes and I'm willing to put myself out there, and make my vulnerabilities public so that someone else might avoid making the same mistakes I have. I said it in the very first post of this blog. It's my REAL life, not what I want people to think it is (this isn't Facebook). My life is messy, my house is messy, my children are messy and despite my desperate wish that I had the strength to be "Supermom", I don't and I'm not. I do the best I can and that's all I can do.    

One of my BEST "medications" is my religion and my belief in God. There are many people out there who would scoff and say, God doesn't care about you, you're one person in billions. They're right, I am, but God isn't like us, he has the capacity to care for every one of his children on this planet that he created. Much like I have an increased capacity of patience at times I normally wouldn't because, well, it's my children I'm dealing with, and I love them. We are ALL God's children. In my religion, much like any other religion (I'm Mormon btw and I may someday do a post just about how being Mormon has changed my life, but not today.) we believe that when we are faithful, and we pray and keep God's commandments, we will be blessed. I have had so many struggles in my life thus far; you might look at me and say, 'Sheesh! What did you do to make God so mad at you?' I used to think that too sometimes, because I'm not a perfect person and I don't keep all of God's commandments all of the time. You would be seeing it the wrong way; God isn't punishing me by putting me through these things. As I have begun to learn (and still struggle to) that as long as we are trying to keep God's commandments, we are blessed. Being "blessed" by God doesn't mean he's going to make your life easy or everything will be sunshine and roses all the time. Through our trials and difficulties in life, we learn more about the complexities of the human condition and about ourselves as individuals, what we are capable of accomplishing or even just capable of enduring. We learn to have more compassion for those around us, knowing that they are fighting their own personal battles as well.

You wonder how God tries to care for the billions of people on this planet. I believe that if we all had the kind of love for each other that he has for all of us, that would pretty much get everyone taken care of. These are simply my personal beliefs, but what does this have to do with my life and Autism? COMPASSION! The definition of compassion is: sympathy for the suffering of others, often including a desire to help. Compassion turns to service when we act on that desire to help. Ever heard the saying "Love is a verb"? This is the same thing. I can't tell you how much little acts of compassion or service can change a person's day, or life even. I belong to a religion that values compassion for others and believes in serving others who are struggling or in need. Throughout my life, I've usually been the one in need of that compassion and especially now, having two children with Autism along with my own inner demons to fight daily. Those little acts of compassion from others mean more to me than anyone realizes, so if we ALL showed a little more compassion, I can guarantee the world would be a better place. Autism, GAD, MDD…and hundreds of other debilitating disorders of the mind, (an organ so complex that it takes geniuses to study it.) cannot be physically seen. We only see people, we may assume they are "normal", but the truth is, they may be someone in need of YOUR compassion and help at that very moment. Even if someone has a perfectly developed and neurotypical brain, you should STILL have compassion for someone suffering. My point is this, look around you, pay attention and you will begin to see it, people who can use something as simple as an encouraging smile to help get them through another day. I can't tell you how many times I've needed THAT at the grocery store or the mall or wherever rather than the glares or outright rude comments made about my children's behavior. Whenever I see a mother or father struggling with an unruly child, I try my best at least to give them an understanding and encouraging smile or even an outright compliment, because I KNOW that's just what they need at that moment. That is if I'm not too busy dealing with my own screaming child, in which case, we often look at each other and know we're both in the same boat and that's nice too. This world is full of all kinds of people. In my opinion, there is no such thing as "normal", but what this world NEEDS is more compassion. My own struggles and watching my children struggle has taught me compassion if nothing else. I'm still not "Supermom" in fact she doesn't even exist! There's a reason she's called "Supermom" she's named after a fictional comic book hero with SUPER POWERS. Sorry ladies, as much as we wish we had them, it's just fiction. So there you have it. I'm strong enough to admit that I'm weak. Be a REAL mom, love your children, love the imperfect world we live in that is full of imperfect people and just be…compassionate to everyone around you, or even take it one step further and act.