How to Pick a Husband

There are only a few things that I’m good at. I can paint your toes with pretty designs, I’m a good massage therapist and I guess you could say I’m a decent writer, though, that is a craft that I have yet to hone and get better at. But, the best thing I’ve ever done in my life is picking the right husband. Sure, I could have married any decent guy I guess, but to be honest, I think that I found the best of the best…the Top Gun of husbands. Here is what makes him the best:

He is an amazing cook and he actually does make dinner several nights of the week. I can follow a recipe, but he’s better. When we were first married, I didn’t know how to cook anything but steamed chicken and rice-a-roni and I wasn’t even great at that. I’ve learned to do better over the past 15 years of our marriage, but he can grill some of the best steaks I’ve ever eaten, he can make a delicious prime rib roast, he makes Haitian food, Indian food and lots of other yummy stuff that requires skill in the kitchen.

He cleans. He does dishes, laundry, cleans toilets, mows the lawn, washes and cleans the cars; helps clean the children (He should get an award for that one alone right there). I’m sure there are other guys out there who clean, but in my experience, I got the BEST one!

He is the most patient person I have EVER met. I am one of the most impatient people and honestly, I don’t know how he’s survived the past fifteen years with ME. He puts up with my quirks and my odd sense of humor (authors are their own breed of weird, we just live somewhere else sometimes, and we keep odd hours). He’s taught me a thing or two about being patient. He keeps a level head in just about any situation and he helps me to keep my anxiety in check. I was a bit of a wild one when he and I met, but his mellow temperament has had the effect of taming me (a little) over the years.

He is the best daddy and he’s proud of his boys. Our boys can be so rambunctious and crazy sometimes and it scares me to death sometimes but Jeremy gets right in there, rolls around on the floor with them, and plays with them…and they absolutely love him. Especially Braden, he is constantly asking me where daddy is. The first things out of his mouth in the morning are “Where’s Daddy?” and when I have to tell him daddy is at work, he gets upset. The first thing out of his mouth when he gets home from school is “Where’s Daddy?” and when I tell him that daddy has to sleep because he worked all night, he gets upset. Braden LOVES his daddy and Jeremy LOVES his boys. Jackson is a little bit more of a mommy’s boy (but I love it) but he has so much fun playing with his daddy. Jeremy’s level of patience when it comes to having two boys with autism makes him the best of the best father’s, and a wife could NOT ask for more! And, I don’t have to ask, he gives so much of himself, I’ve never met anyone more selfless. Not to mention he’s always been willing to change more than his fair share of diapers!

He is just a GOOD, GOOD, GOOD man. He works hard at work, and at home; there is no way for me to explain how much that means to me. He’s strong spiritually, and he helps inspire me. He’s never touched a drop of alcohol or tobacco in his life and obviously stayed clean of drugs. That means a lot more to me than even he may realize.

He’s a team player. I don’t know how everyone else’s marriage works, but Jeremy and I approach every challenge we have faced in our fifteen years of marriage as a TEAM. There is no “I” in team, but if you rearrange the letters, you can spell mate, tame and meat (he’s a hunk! Wink wink). He and I do everything from grocery shopping to bedtime routines together.

Fifteen years ago today, I married him and I could go on all day listing all the reasons he’s the BEST HUSBAND in the history of EVER, but I think you get my point. I may not be great at many things, but I tell you what, I know how to pick a darn good husband. 

 

Will Work for Giggles

The past few years have been challenging ones for our family, but especially the past six months. I haven’t been doing as many posts recently because as much as I want to keep things on this blog real, I don’t want it to become a place that I use only for getting out my frustrations. I have a journal for that. I certainly do have many frustrations and feel overwhelmed quite often by the responsibility that weighs on me with regard to not only my children, but my husband, my family and my own health, which unfortunately, presents its own challenges that are outside of my control. Being the dreamer that I am… there are so many times that I wish just once I could have a magic wand to wave and take that weight off, even for just a while. But the more I think about it, I realize that there are a lot of times that I feel that weight lifted, even if it’s only for a few minutes.

Last night (and many nights) when we were finished eating dinner, Jackson, Jeremy and I were sitting at the table together (Braden bolts the minute he finishes inhaling his food) and Jackson was just sitting there making cute little faces at us and I couldn’t help but smile at his pure adorableness. For those few minutes, I just enjoyed him and the moment. Later in the night, it was just Jackson and I downstairs together, and he found a truck that he liked (one with buttons to push, his favorite) and he would push the button and the truck would light up and makes some sounds; he would giggle and push the button again and giggle some more. I got in on his game from the couch and began to giggle with him, which made him giggle even more and we began making faces at each other and giggling together. I relished those few minutes that we communicated with each other in the most innocent way possible. I spend a lot of my time reading, and writing words, but what Jackson and I were doing had no words, yet it was one of the sweetest moments of my day. I don’t know if Jackson will ever be able to say, “I love you, Mommy” but when we have those little moments together, I feel it and it takes some of that weight off of me.

I have those same moments with Braden too, but with Braden, things are a bit different. He can say just about anything he wants to, and he surprises us with his vocabulary sometimes. He talks like a grown up a lot, we often say, “Where on earth did he learn that?”. But Braden and I will joke around with each other sometimes, and those moments are just as precious to me as my little moments with Jackson. Braden has such a quirky sense of humor (just like me), but we butt heads quite often, more often than I would like to admit, probably because we are a lot alike. So, those moments with Braden happen less often than with Jackson, but when they do, I feel like I’m just a normal mom and he’s not autistic, for at least a few minutes.

So, despite the challenges that we face every day, I realize that I don’t really need that magic wand after all. Ok, that’s not completely true, I would LOVE to wave my health problems away but maybe someday, I’ll find a way to come to terms with that too.    

The Truth about Resources and Autism

In an ideal world, there would be more than enough money for families with autistic children to get ALL the therapy and services they feel is necessary. Unfortunately, we don’t live in an ideal world, the furthest thing from it. So, what does it feel like to be a parent who has two children with autism and live in a state that has a system that eliminates you from being able to help your children? It’s frustrating, heartbreaking, and worst of all you feel completely helpless. As a parent, I want nothing more than to provide my children with the help that they need, so they can reach their full potential. I moved, without really thinking about the difference in the ways one state manages resources for disabled children as opposed to another state. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, in Autismland, NOT ALL STATES ARE CREATED EQUALLY! Perhaps it’s my fault, and I should have done more research, but now that I’m here in this position; what am I to do?

The truth about getting help for a child with autism is that therapies are expensive. Even if you have insurance that is required to pay for services, you’re still required to pay specialists co-pays for therapists. Let’s say that the specialist co-pay is $30.00 and your child needs speech therapy, occupational therapy, developmental therapy and ABA therapy. Which is not covered by most insurance companies, or coverage is minimal with caps of $10,000 for life, which may seem like a lot of money, but not when it comes to ABA therapy. That’s about three to six months of therapy. The money runs out fast, but say you are desperate to help your child, so you at least get them into speech and occupational therapy, that’s $60.00 per week in co-pays and averages $260.00 per month (double that if you have two children on the spectrum). That’s about as little therapy as you can get away with. It’s sad and pathetic that it only addresses two issues that confront autistic children. It’s just not enough, but it still costs too much. Can you see how a parent could be frustrated? The truth is that if you are the parent of a child with autism, you are going to make a lifetime full of sacrifices for your child. Not just monetary sacrifices, but emotional sacrifices, physical sacrifices and you don’t even think about it. You just do it…if you can.

If you have a child with autism, you would be wise to research which states provide the best resources for disabled children. You would also be wise in your research to find out if the state bases eligibility for resources on household income scales. In most cases, only the poorest children in those states will be getting benefits. There are five + year waiting lists for some services, so it’s a complete waste of time even applying. The TRUTH is, that the middle class parents who make a decent living (but it’s not as if every dime they make is free to go toward therapy) are left to fend for themselves and are left to the mercy of the school system which is severely lacking in most cases. The truth is, that you can’t just live anywhere you want to. You have to go where the resources are, where you will get the support you need. A life with two autistic children is challenging. So what do you do?  

I have a child in the school system that is getting only a certain number of allotted minutes of speech therapy per week. The equivalent of a half an hour. That’s next to NOTHING! They eliminated his occupational therapy because he’s now capable of holding a pencil on his own. They don’t consider that he needs the occupational therapy for sensory problems. Yet they still insist that he needs to be put into a self-contained classroom. My other child is two and a half. He was diagnosed just after his second birthday, He doesn’t speak, he may have apraxia, and we can’t find a speech therapist within 50 miles on our insurance that works with autism and apraxia. That’s just speech therapy. He needs so much more than that, we simply can’t give it to him and it breaks my heart every day. You may hear me say that a lot in my blog posts, because there is always something that stabs you right in the heart every single day. Some days are better than others, but the reality is, that you will experience regular heartbreak as the parent of an autistic child (that’s where the emotional sacrifice comes in). Perhaps in my case I get a double dose of it, but that doesn’t stop me. I just keep going, the pain becomes a normal part of life but it certainly doesn’t mean my life is normal.

For the past six months, the frustration of not being able to help our children has been weighing very heavily on us. We’ve discussed the pros and cons of moving to another state where the resources are better. We’ve even had several conversations with our developmental pediatrician about it. First, we consider the economy and what jobs might be available to at least put a roof over our heads, and food on our table. Moving could mean major pay cuts, and more sacrifices (physical ones), but if the state provides substantial amounts of therapy, isn’t that worth it?

The truth about resources and autism is that it’s all about making sacrifices so your children can reach their full potential and it’s easier in some states than others so, make your life choices very carefully.