It takes a Village

You know that saying "It takes a village", I'm not sure where that saying came from, but it's absolutely true. Sometimes it takes a village/group of good, kind people to get something done. For our little family, our "village" is our neighbors and our church ward family. They have always been there extending their hands and offering to help us, but Jeremy and I are our own worst enemies. We tend to think that we should be able to handle whatever it takes to live a full life with two autistic boys on our own, but in all honesty, we're basically just making it from day to day. There is nothing full about it, except that our lives are full of stress and we are both overwhelmed and exhausted. Like I said, people have offered to help us, but we have just been too stubborn for our own good. There has to come a time, though, when you break and this past weekend was that time for us. Jeremy's father passed away very suddenly, and we were both in so much shock that before I knew it, Jeremy was on his way to Arizona to come back…whenever he had worked things out and I found myself in shock, alone, and in charge of EVERYTHING for the time being. To say I had a panic attack, would be putting it mildly.

Well, our "village" stepped up in a big way. I finally broke down, and told them, I don't know if I can do this, to which they answered…we're on it! Before I knew it they had scheduled play dates everyday to keep the kids occupied so I had some time to myself (I am extremely sleep deprived, emotional, and now sick). They were taking care of dinners, breakfast and I was even brought a delicious piece of chocolate cake and my favorite caramel apple spice from starbucks. J They have been calling to check on me every day and some people have been coming over just to listen, which is more helpful than they realize. They have done so much for me that I have no idea how to thank them. They've been praying for our family and believe me, we have felt those prayers.

Even with all this help, I still feel overwhelmed and worried. I have a super cool Wonder Woman iphone case, except in my case the WW stands for Worry Woman. I have the power to worry, I worry about everything; the kids, I worry about Jeremy having to grieve for his father without me by his side, I worry so much I've made myself physically sick and you don't even want to know what my nails look like (there's blood on my keyboard). My immune system crashed and now I'm struggling even more to take care of day to day things like…everything; feeding, clothing, you can forget about bathing; I don't care if they're dirty for a week (bathing and getting them clean is a two person battle) and keeping one kid from killing the other. For every day that Daddy has been gone, Braden has gotten more anxious, defiant and aggressive. I've found myself being a human shield to Jackson as Braden is doing whatever he can to lash out and cause damage (all because he wanted pizza for dinner). Braden may only be seven years old, but he really is the size of a ten year old, and boy, he is strong! Despite all the help in the world…when you have an anxiety disorder, worrying is what you do (unless you have xanex, but unfortunately, I don't have any). Telling someone with anxiety disorder not to worry is like telling them not to breathe. C.S. Lewis described anxiety as a constant gnawing fire. To me, it's less like fire and more like pressure. It's a constant pressure. Sometimes I feel like Atlas, holding the world on my back (I have the knots in my shoulders to prove it).

So, getting back to my "it takes a village" statement; I am so incredibly grateful to have a village, and for their help. It seems to me that it's easy to forget gratitude when everything is going smoothly, but when we have trials and tribulations, we are reminded to be grateful for even the smallest things. I remember when we were working day after day to teach Braden how to talk and his first word was "ball". It was one tiny word, but because we had to work SO hard for it, and it took more than one person to get us to that word, but I was ready to throw a party. A typically developing child will naturally learn language and communication, and I believe that it's pretty easy for some mothers to take that for granted. I have nothing against those mothers; I envy them. I have had a life full of trials of one kind or another, so, naturally I assume I'm stubborn headed and am in constant need of reminders to be grateful. I am grateful though. I'm deeply touched by the outpouring of love and compassion that has been shown to us. If not for my "village" I honestly don't know what condition I would be in now, but I'm guessing it wouldn't be good. When we moved from Arizona to North Carolina, we left our families behind, but one of the most wonderful things about the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is, no matter where you go in the world, you have a village of people waiting to welcome you.