The Ugly Side of Autism

I'm haphazardly parked across three spaces in an apartment complex. The driver's side door is ajar, as well as the door behind it, along with the back hatch of my highlander propped open. There is a child's screaming ringing through the morning air as residents out walking their dogs before they head off to work steal glances in our direction. Someone walking behind the car would see a short, sweaty, crying, red-faced woman struggling with a boy who almost matches her in height, and who is trying desperately to hit, bite, scratch, and kick every inch of her.

My face is stinging and my eyes hurt from being hit in the face so many times. I stop to think why boxers do what they do. If you've ever been slapped hard, you know it hurts, and I'm no wimp when it comes to pain, but yeah, I'm in pain. I'm tired, because I've been struggling for about forty-minutes; my arms are burning, and I won't know how many bruises I'll have on my legs until later. I'm just trying to hold out until my husband can come and help me. I only have one mission right now. Keep Jackson safe.

The crying coming from the car is my youngest son, who has been hit and kicked in the face by his older brother before I could intervene. I can't comfort him and tell him it will be okay, because I have to restrain his brother behind the car to keep him from hurting him again.

A woman across the street comes out to her balcony (probably because of the noise). She stands watching us for some time, then yells out, "Do you need help?"

I have no idea how to answer that question. It's pretty obvious that I need help, but there just isn't much anyone else can do for me at the moment. Through my tears, I try to yell, "I'm fine." But it rings so false in my ears and feels so ridiculous to say, when I'm in the process of being pummeled; it only makes me cry more. The situation seems completely hopeless and it crushes more than my face, it breaks down my spirit. I can't take the things he says to me personally, but hearing your own child tell you he wants you out of his life forever…always hurts.

My husband finally shows up after having had to walk out of a meeting at work. He takes Braden home in his car and I can finally check on Jackson and tell him how sorry I am that I couldn't protect him. His face is a little red, but he seems okay other than being tired from crying and probably extremely frightened. I know I can't take him home, so I try to get myself together, close all the doors to the car, and take him to school. While driving Jackson to school, I keep mumbling, "I just need to make it through today. Tomorrow will be better." I'm trying desperately to convince myself. We're an hour late. His teacher takes one look at me when she comes to the office to get Jackson and says, "Are you alright?"

No. Today I'm not. Every day with a child who has autism is different. We have good days and then we have days like this. Days when we feel completely defeated physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. These days when we're tired of fighting, tired of trying to be positive and be strong. We want to throw our arms up and say, "I'm done! I give up! I'm not strong enough to do this!" But we don't do that, because we know we will wake up tomorrow and our children will still have autism; they will still be our children, and we will still love them. So, we go to bed that night, pray that tomorrow will be better, and get up and do it all again—whether it gets better or not.

Some people might wonder why I would tell this story, when it's clearly not a pretty one. Why should I hide the ugly side of autism?  We tend to try and hide the ugly side of everything as a society. We want perfection and the scene I've just described was anything but perfect. We airbrush blemishes from models to create the appearance of perfection, when in truth, perfection doesn't exist. There is an ugly side to everything. The backside of the most beautiful paintings in the world are just plain canvas. The beauty is in what we do with the ugliness. I'm showing you the ugly side of autism (the backside of the canvas) so you can walk away with a better understanding of every aspect of this disorder.   


When I started this blog, I said, it wouldn't be all sunshine and roses because life with two autistic children isn't all sunshine and roses. The truth is there are ugly days, a lot of them. This blog is about what it really takes to be the parent of two autistic children. It takes the physical strength and endurance of a boxer (you have to take a beating sometimes). It takes emotional resolve and the ability to accept your life as it is. You have to extend yourself mentally, learning how to deal with behaviors and doing research to try to come up with solutions to modify those behaviors. It takes spiritual strength like I never believed possible. I've been tested to my limits and there have been times I felt I would break. But I made it through this bad day, and many, many others, and I go to bed every night and pray for a better day tomorrow.

Back to School: The Most Wonderful Time of the Year!

I know there are some parents out there who are sad to see their kids go back to school at the end of the summer—I'm not one of them. When my kids are home together, they have to be constantly supervised, and it is extremely tiring. And when I say constantly, I'm not exaggerating. Even if they aren't attacking one another, one or both of them is usually doing something that will either get them hurt, or destroy our house. By the time "back to school" rolls around, I'm dancing through the aisles at Target as I shop for school supplies singing that Christmas song "It's the most wonderful time of the year". (very much like this) I count down the days until we can get back into a regular routine, because summer and track out are anything but routine. Kids with autism thrive on routine and predictability, so school (as long as they are in a good class) can be one of the best things for them.

This year, I will have BOTH of my boys in school all day. I'm both scared and excited. I'm scared because Jackson is so little, I just can't picture my baby going to school yet, but I'm excited for him to begin learning and hopefully getting some of the help he badly needs. He still doesn't speak, but he is picking up on some sign language, so I have hope that we will be able to find SOME way to communicate with him, even if he is non-verbal.

What will I do with myself between the hours of 9:00 - 2:30 you might wonder? I know exactly what I want to do—WRITE! I can finally focus on my writing career and have time to write (not in the middle of the night, like I do now). I am working furiously on a new book, and I have ten other writing projects in line after that, not to mention this blog. I know I don't have a cult of followers who read my blog, but I keep it because it's a record for me to look back on. Who knows, maybe one day I will write a book about Autism (the thought has definitely crossed my mind).

Having the boys in school will also give me time to focus on my health. Constant stress eventually leads the mind and body to break down. I've definitely hit that point. I have quite a few stress related or stress induced health issues that I struggle with every day. (Learn more about how stress can cause burn-out here) I'm not going to spill all of my medical history to the world, but I would like to reach out to other moms out there who deal with the stress of having a child with autism and emphasize the importance of STRESS RELIEF!! Do whatever it takes to give yourself a break once in a while. The money you pay to a baby-sitter, or mother's helper, pales in comparison to the money you spend going to ten different doctors, loads of prescription drugs (with side effects), all trying to undo the damage of STRESS.

Hang in there (I know that sound like a cat poster…ha ha ha…we love the Lego Movie at our house, so if you don't get that joke, you probably don't have boys). Don't break under the pressure of autism. It's a lifelong challenge and it can be truly daunting, but I know you love your child, like I love mine. As a mother, it's second nature to give, give, give, but it's really important to take some time for yourself (and your husband too if you have one, if you don't, there's even MORE reason for you to get a break!)

Am I a horrible mother because I'm not crying when I drop my kids off at school? No. No I'm not.


 

Autism and Religion

I am a religious person. I haven't always been this way, though. I went through my own process of discovery before choosing to become a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Being a member of this church has blessed my life in more ways than I could list. I always dreamed of sharing that happiness with my children. I wanted to see my sons go on missions, and then marry in the temple. I had hoped to have a daughter to pass on my heirlooms to, and see my children have children of their own. But Heavenly Father had a different plan in mind for me. I was always a bit of a peculiar and imaginative child; my mother always said I danced to the beat of my own drum. Perhaps I wasn't meant to live an ordinary life, and so far, it has been the farthest thing from what I had dreamed, and most certainly not what I would call ordinary.    

Autism has so many facets, that it is impossible for me to encompass every issue regarding autism and religion, but I would like to write about the few aspects that affect our family personally. Our son, Braden, sees things in black and white. He is very literal and has difficulty grasping abstract concepts that can't be seen or shown to him. He does not understand what the Holy Ghost is (or what a ghost is period), nor does he really understand who Jesus and Heavenly Father are, and why Jesus died for us. If these things could be explained with Lego sets and instructions (Braden LOVES "reading" Lego instructions, no words, just pictures), we'd be good, but they really can't, so he doesn't understand why we want him to put on uncomfortable clothes and sit quietly for three hours every week, when he can't even sit still through a meal.

Jackson is a sweet, quiet, and mostly content little guy, but he gets very anxious when surrounded by a lot of people. People he doesn't know are unpredictable to him, especially other children. He really does not know what to make of other kids, so he will hide or ignore them completely. He does not speak, and cannot ask for help or answer questions. His developmental age is closer to 18 months-old rather than three, so his grasp on religious concepts, really isn't known, or developed yet.

As it stands now, neither of our children understands our core belief system. The very system which affects every decision we make. This is pretty disheartening, but Jeremy and I still have our faith, though. We still believe in gospel of Jesus Christ. But attending church on a weekly basis is nearly impossible for us. Just as it's difficult to take our children to birthday parties, Christmas gatherings, trick-or-treating, to the doctor, to the mall, or to the store...etc. Nothing is easy when you have two children on the spectrum, and even if so-and-so is miraculously able to get their autistic children to attend church, they aren't us. All children with autism are different and so are their parents. Maybe we're doing it wrong, but we are doing our best.

So, we've become captives in our own home because going anywhere only causes chaos and frustration for everyone. Every once in a while, we try to get out of the house, and do something "fun" just to see how it goes, but it usually ends up with Jeremy dragging a kicking screaming Braden out of a restaurant or store, and waiting in the car while I pay the bill or check out. Then we get to the car. If Braden hasn't calmed down, Jeremy ends up sitting in the back seat between Jackson's car seat and Braden, so Jackson doesn't become the victim of a flying limb. By the time we get home, we're rundown and ragged, and Jeremy's butt is numb from sitting on a seat that was not meant for a grown-up. So, we whisk the kids into the house before they can disturb the entire neighborhood, and we swear to ourselves we will never leave the house again.

We have a wonderful ward (area of members that attend church with us). They have been very supportive and have offered to help us in many ways, and without them and my faith, I would have had a nervous breakdown long ago. They pray for our family and care about what happens to us. That Christ-like attitude is part of what brought me into the church. I believe that Heavenly Father gives us challenges to overcome in life. (See my last post) And I hope and pray that someday, we will be able to attend church as a family, but until then, we will keep trying, and I pray for strength, patience, and friendships that will help get me through these times. Living far away from our families has definitely left a gaping hole in our life, and having good friends helps to bridge that gap. My life may not be what I planned it to be, but it's my life and I'm going to live it one day at a time. 

Contents Under Pressure

My life is a marathon, I started out running, and someone came along, handed me a large rock, and said, "Okay, now you have to carry this for the rest of the race." So, I kept on going, my arm would get tired, and I would switch the rock to the other arm, eventually, I felt both arms were strong enough to keep carrying the weight. Then, they came to me, handed me a rock twice the size of the first, and said, "Alright, now you have to carry this rock for the rest of the race." The rock was twice as heavy as the first and I had to cradle it under my arm as I ran, but I kept going. Then they came to me with a small boulder and said, "Okay, now this boulder is quite a bit heavier than the last. We will provide you with a running partner who will help you. You can carry the weight together, and it will make you both stronger if you stick together. You can do this!" They mounted it on my shoulders, and I was almost stopped dead in my tracks. It was so heavy, it really slowed me down, but I kept going, my partner and I, only at a slower pace for a while. After some time, I felt my legs get stronger, my back could bear the weight, and I picked up my pace. We were doing pretty well. Then they came to us and said, "Sorry to do this to you, but you will have to carry a new boulder, but you've gotten so strong, we know you can do it! We will be right here beside you, like always, to help you back up if you fall, and of course, we will keep cheering you on." Then they rolled an enormous boulder (the size of a man) out and mounted it on our shoulders. The weight was crushing, and I was sure it would finish me. How could I run the rest of the race with this thing on my back? But they said I could do it, so I was determined to keep going, even if it was at a snail's pace. We had gone barely a few steps when they stopped us and said, "Wait! We forgot to add something." And they strapped another boulder of the same size on top of the other one! We both fell to the ground under the weight. They helped us back up to our feet and said, "Emily, Jeremy look at how far you have come. You began with just one rock, and you've never given up. If you can carry this weight for the rest of the race, you will become a true Titan, and nothing will be able to stop you from claiming your prize. Just keep on going!" And so, here we are.

The boulders are not our children; the boulders are autism. The weight is more than we ever imagined it would be. Some days, we take a few steps forward, but we fall down a lot, and need a lot of help. These recent days have been some of the harder ones, but we both know they will pass and even if we take only one step each day, it's something. Even if we fall, as long as we get back up, we are still going. Our "coaches" (Our Heavenly Father, our Savior, Jesus Christ, and our families) watch over us, encourage us, and sometimes help us carry the weight. We don't know when the Marathon will end and there are times (like now) where one of us (Jeremy) has to take a little extra weight while the other has an injured foot. (That would be me, no joke. I have a heel spur, among other health issues that make doing my part, incredibly difficult, if not impossible most days.) Someday Jeremy and I will finish this race, and our prize is eternal glory. We will throw those boulders off our backs and stand tall and strong. Who knows, before the end of the race, maybe we will have enough strength to help someone else bear the weight too.

My favorite band is Safetysuit. They come from TN, and I found them by accident really, but their music is very good, and they have a song called "These Times" which I listen to on hard days. (Watch the video. It will give you goose bumps.) They remind me that times get hard; life is hard for everyone, but time passes and the hard times with it.

Autism and Medication

The topic of medications and autism is almost as controversial as the topic of vaccines (not going there right now). We know that autism affects every child differently. I have two children with it and they have very few similarities in how their autism presents itself. Braden in particular is going to be my subject today, because he has been on medication for about four years now. There are a lot of different opinions about putting autistic kids on medication, because there is no drug out there that “treats” autism. There are drugs that help tone down some of the more disruptive symptoms that keep our kids from being able to function and get the most out of their therapies or school.

I am not against medications, but I was very hesitant when deciding to put Braden on medication because I did not want to lose all the wonderful things we loved about Braden. I was worried that putting him on medication would turn him into a “zombie” and there is always the judgments that come from other parents who are against medicating. I don’t normally care what others think of me, but sometimes it seems as if everyone thinks they know what is right for my child. I’m aware that most people who offer “advice” are only trying to help me, but they don’t know Braden like I do, and they are not the ones who live with him every day. So, yes, I did not want to deal with the inevitable criticism from others, but I had to think about what was best for Braden, and for our family.

Braden was four-years-old, and I was pregnant with Jackson, when Braden began to display aggressive behavior toward others. When he was first diagnosed with autism at eighteen-months-old, he was self-injurious, but he had never attempted to hurt anyone else. With me being pregnant, I was very worried about his behavior and for the safety of the baby, so I took Braden to see a Developmental Pediatrician who specializes in autism. He recommended a drug, which I believe is usually prescribed for high blood pressure, but he reassured me that Braden’s blood pressure would be monitored closely and we would hopefully see a decline in the aggression. I reluctantly agreed to try a low dose of the drug.

It’s been four years, and we have had to adjust Braden’s medication regimen several times, which is no fun for anyone. We never make medication adjustments lightly either. We have tried anti-depressants (without success) and we have even tried anti-psychotics, which required some serious thought and reflection, because these drugs can have some serious side effects. Recently, we decided that despite Braden’s worsening aggression, we needed to take him off of all medications to gauge his baseline behavior and see what he really needs to be on, because the tricky thing about a growing child taking medicine is that changes are inevitable as they grow and go through different phases. We know we are in for a rough summer, and it’s already been no picnic, but I believe it’s necessary, and what is best for Braden right now.

My point to this post is that we are the parents and we know our children. Do we always have the right answer? No. I am frequently at a loss as to how to respond to some of my kids’ behavior, but I wouldn’t trust this job to anyone else. I consult with a doctor that I trust, and I take his opinions under advisement, but ultimately, Jeremy and I are the ones making the decisions and we have to live with them. We pray, we research the drugs that are being recommended, and we decide if it will be beneficial to Braden. Some medications we have tried have been complete train wrecks, and have made everyone in our house miserable for weeks, but we live and we learn. What we are doing now, is what we think is best. Braden will probably have to go back on the meds eventually, but right now, this is what we feel is right. Every mother or father out there with a special needs child, or a child with ANY illness for that matter, has to decide at some point about medications. You are the parent, you know your child best, and even if you aren’t a doctor, you are the most qualified person to make the decision about it. Do your research, and get your information from a reliable source, because just about anything you read on the internet needs to be taken with a grain of salt. What works for one child may not work for another. Some natural remedies work, some diet changes work, and sometimes pharmaceuticals are the best route, but whatever your choice, don’t let other’s make you doubt yourself. You have been chosen to be the parent of a special child; you are a warrior, fighting a battle that no one but you can fight, and no one but you can fully understand.

When it rains, it's Usually Raining on Everyone.

You know that saying 'When it rains, it pours.' Well, many of us tend to think  we are the only people getting wet. We are too focused on our own hair getting wet and we would use our own children to shield our phones from getting wet (tell me I'm wrong). What am I getting at with this little analogy? I haven't done a blog post in quite a while because I've been chronically ill and not even well enough to type up a post. This mystery illness has plagued me for months (or longer) and I've driven myself mad trying to figure out why I never feel well (currently still a mystery). Any mom knows that being a mom and being sick stinks—big time. We don't get sick days, and we certainly don't get FMLA benefits. Nope, we just make the best of it. I'm blessed to have an amazing husband who has picked up my slack—and I have left tons of slack—he's tired and works full-time. He deserves better. He deserves a vacation, but as life goes, we don't always get what we deserve. But I am so thankful for him, for his selflessness, and his love that I can't imagine life without him. He's using himself to shield me from the rain (as much as he can). That, my friends, is a good husband.

I went to church yesterday for the first time in a long time. There are many reasons why I don't make it to church every Sunday but I haven't stopped believing in Christ or his gospel. Saturday was horrible; I could not wait for the day to end horrible. My wonderful husband told me Saturday night that he would watch the kids if I felt well enough to go to church the next morning. Thankfully, I felt well enough to go on Sunday morning. I got dressed and went to church. I sat alone in that chapel and I cried through the entire meeting. I went to class and made it through most of the class being able to control my emotions. I was crying for many reasons, some were happy tears of being able to focus on Christ and talk to my Father in Heaven as I partook of his sacrament. Other tears were sad tears because I wished my family were with me and I felt the loss of having the experiences I had growing up and sitting in the chapel with my family on Sundays, (my boys won't go into the chapel—ever). I was overwhelmed with gratitude that Jeremy was at home selflessly serving me (again), so that I could be there. After class, I talked with a friend, who gave me some news of a drenching, torrential storm of a trial she is going through. I felt like such a dreadful friend because I had been so focused on keeping myself dry that I had not thought it strange that I hadn't heard from her, nor did I check in on her. She has always been so kind to me and been the first in line to offer me help. This woman is the salt of the earth. She is a shining example for me, I have no doubt she is for others as well, and I know she will be even more of a shining example of Christ's love in the future because of this trial she's been asked to endure. I’m still sick, but she made me realize I'm not the only one being poured on.  

Let's all help keep each other as dry as we can and truly enjoy the sun when it's shining.

What's FUN about Autism?

We have been faced with quite a few challenges in our life and it just seems as if they keep on coming. But, I don't want to focus this post on the challenges; I want to just go over a few of the special joys that our family gets to experience because our children are autistic.

·         We have been blessed with the opportunity to learn about this disorder and to teach others about it and help spread awareness. The month of April is Autism Awareness month, (FYI) so you might be hearing more from us next month!

 

·         Our family has grown closer. Not just our little family, but there is something so special about these boys, that EVERYONE in our family (including ALL of our extended family) has come together to love them (you just can't help but love them).

 

·         We have become part of a community (I would go so far as to call it a culture) of people who are experiencing the same up's and down's that we do. Every child with Autism is different, but there are quite a few behaviors that we see in a lot of our children, to different degrees, but we understand each other and we know we aren't alone in our struggles. The CDC just released the newest statistics for Autism and 1 in 68 children in the US is affected by ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder). Those numbers are staggering! But, they are going up because we're more aware and we are catching those cases that would have gone undiagnosed. That's a GOOD thing. Everyone has opinions on whether ASD will ever be able to be cured. Personally, I don't believe it can. I believe the best thing that research can do is focus on treatment options, and how to help the families affected to cope with the challenges. This includes awareness and COMPASSION from society in general.

 

·         Every person on earth is an individual. Each with our own unique personality, so what makes a child with autism UNIQUE when everyone is in essence unique. The amazing thing about our children is in the way they view the world and how they experience life. Because of their ASD, they don't experience a sunny day the same way a neurotypical person would. They see the details we don't, they feel things we wouldn't and they come up with solutions to problems in a unique way. Before Autism was well known, many people who were believed to be eccentrics, but geniuses, were probably autistic. (Albert Einstein, Nicola Tesla, Mozart, Issac Newton, Michalangelo) These special people benefit our world in ways we can't imagine; we just have to LET them!

 

·         Our boys have a special sense of humor because of the way they see things or interpret them (I'm still trying to figure it out), but they are FUNNY! Not a day goes by that Jeremy or I don't catch ONE of the boys doing something funny (even if the other one is having a bad day). Braden can talk and he can tell us jokes and he says some of the funniest things sometimes that we're amazed by him and his point of view. Jackson can't talk, but he is an imitator and he will mimic his favorite movie characters. Both he and Braden LOVE music and especially movie credits with music. Sometimes I think they enjoy the credits as much or more than they enjoy the movie. Both of them will start dancing around and smiling like crazy when the credits to their favorite movies come on. It really is a sight to see and Jeremy and I have tried to video tape them, but they have some kind of instinct that tells them there is a camera pointed at them, at which point they immediately stop what they're doing. (except Braden, he loves to be videotaped and is quite a camera hog!)

 

·         I'm going to take just a minute to brag about how darn CUTE my boys are! It has nothing to do with their autism, but I swear, when you look at them, you can just see that there is something special inside of them. They both have beautiful blue eyes and Jackson's eyes are so big and blue that we literally can't go out in public without someone saying something about his beautiful eyes. They do all the talking for him.

And now, for the funnest parts! I've compiled a small sample of some of the funny things Jeremy or I have posted on facebook when Braden has said something we just had to share with the world. Unfortunately, Jackson's funny stuff would all have to be pictures because he doesn't talk, but I'll post a couple, though there are MANY of him and his funny ways! The point of this post is that Autism isn't ALL about the challenges, it's about the blessings too.

BRADEN:

So, Braden likes to walk around the house and talk to himself. He doesn't care who's listening, and he does both sides of the conversation and even does voice imitations. Sometimes we hear him repeating things he's heard in tv or movies and sometimes he "replays" things that happen at school (doing perfect imitations of his teachers), but apparently he will also pretend things. He was just walking around talking and I hear, "Hi! Welcome to Chinese Noodles! What would you like to order?" to which he responds, (in a different tone of voice) "I would like three orders of Chinese noodles please!" If you can't tell, noodles are his favorite when we get Chinese.

Braden: Mom, are we going somewhere for dinner?

Me: No.

Braden: But, I'm keeping my socks on, so we have to go out somewhere for dinner, because I have my socks on.

Braden is standing at the window yelling hysterically at the sun to go away, because he doesn't want the snow to melt.

We are drive to a local shopping center and Braden says out of the blue "I want to go to Bojinglebells". For those not from the East what he meant was Bojangles

We're driving in the car and Braden yells "Oh my gosh!" so we say "what?" and Braden says "there are lots of trees in north Carolina!" we had to laugh out loud at that one. We've lived here for three years and he's just now noticing we are surrounded by trees.

Driving by a cotton field; Braden calls it a "smarshmallow" field

Braden is really into Harry potter right now. What's funny: he says Harry's name with a British accent. (a pretty good one too!)

Braden: I have a loose tooth!
Jeremy: wiggle it.
Braden: shakes his head back and forth.

Just drove by the Verizon store and Braden yells "check mark phones!"

Braden's playing x-box the other day and Daddy says: "What are you doing Braden?" and Braden answers: "Wasting my time." CLASSIC!

Braden made up his own name for one of his transformers: instead of megatron it's MEGATROUBLE! I think that should be his new nickname!

Jeremy just tried waking Braden up from a nap before he was ready to get up. Braden's response: I'm out of control, so just get out of my way!

Mom: Braden what season is Christmas in?
Braden: I don't know.
Mom: When is Christmas?
Braden: Tuesday the 18th (no hesitation)

We were in the car and Braden says: "Mom, when I grow up and live in my own house with a cat, I'm going to have to go to the car store and buy a truck."

JACKSON:

Jackson is serious about cupcakes

 



 

Jackson loves shopping

 

 

Jackson's solution to holding his bottle when his arms get tired

 

 

Jackson ALWAYS likes sticking his tongue out

 

 

Jackson just being cute

 

 

Jackson likes to look at the world upside-down. Braden (who likes hanging around the house in his underwear) thought he would give it a try

 

 

Jackson loves playing with glasses (and breaking them) He also loves stealing any food Braden leaves within his reach, chocolate pudding for example.

 

 

I love kids in pajamas and I have tons of pictures of the boys in christmas jammies, halloween jammies, any kind of jammies will do, they're just cute when they're together!

 

 

My two sweet boys in their Sunday best

 

 

Braden rubs Jackson's head the way I rub their heads when they cuddle with me. This is probably one of my favorite pictures of them together, even though you can't see their faces.

 

 

Look at these two boys and I DARE you to tell me there isn't something amazing about them! You can see it in their eyes, they have special souls and Jeremy and I have been blessed with the responsibility of seeing that they are given the opportunity to share their uniqueness with the world.